The Year I Started to See


Open up my eyes oh Lord to see your beauty,

More vast than the widest ocean

More deep than my deepest wound

More holy than my eyes could wonder

More seen than I thought I ever could.


Oh what beauty the world doesn’t know.

Because she exchanges riches for rags.

Just a drop of your love could melt the iciest heart

Would you pour out on us again?


Monday 20th January 2025


Would it be okay for you to do it just because it would be cool to do it.

Location: BFI Cafe

Ivory has just left, leaving me to do some work. I’m hoping to work on my photography website but the BFI wifi won’t connect to my computer. Leaving me with the discontent feeling I had when she left, and my notebook.


Jannell you can be calm and without chaos. You don’t know what to do but ask the Lord.


Lord, what is my aspiration?


What do I want?

To be under the will of God and not outside of his will


It feels like I have two worlds and neither world fully understands the other. Even when I find people and you’d think they’d understand fully, they don’t. Either they don’t understand your want/need for ambition or your faith. Or the way you are following and desire to be consistently submitted or that you want to be successful and do well in what you’re good at.


And to be honest, I don’t know how to do both either. Can they co-exist?

Does this just boil down to yearning for authenticity.


And in the middle of it is desperation.

Desperation to feel safe in both living situation and financially.

A desperation to not go the wrong way.

A desperation to just be there, somewhere or something better

A desperation for not just feeling like but knowing I’m doing the right thing.

I know that the typical reply to that would be that “you just don’t know if you’re doing the right thing”.


And I don’t like that reply. Surely I can know. Surely Jesus knew if he was doing the right thing.

“For the joy set before him he endured the cross.”

At least it seems Jesus knew what his purpose was. Do I know what my tangible purpose is? My goal that doesn’t sit in ambiguity or feelings but is measurable.

Not measurable to be good enough but measurable in attaining what I was born to do.

I want it to be something optimistic

Something creative, fun and life-giving

That simultaneously isn’t stifled by environment.

Where if I’m being honest: I don’t feel torn down or deflated about my living situation or stifled by any kind of access including financial

Where it’s not just having enough but having the abundance to give to others and propel them without resistance too, to just go for it.

To live without worldly constraints.


Is the first step “acceptance”? And if so acceptance of what.

I do like writing though. Makes a difference how nice this pen is.


When I think of the things I really wanted, I don’t feel driven by a need to do it to be successful. I just think it would be cool to do.

Maybe I should do the things I think it would be cool to do…

Whist subsequently submitting it to the Lord.


Before because of who I was (race, gender, class) I would think, I can’t afford to do a “just live in a it would be cool to do” mindset. Because I had to make it. I had to, I couldn’t afford to waste time.


But now because of who I am it’s not wasting time but using time wisely:

- Using time to exercise

- Using time to create

- Using time to worship

- Using time to pray

- Using time to discover

- Using time to play

- Using time to be Jannell

And allowing grace to lead me.

God is gracious.

Lord, be gracious to me.

Let it all be so simple. Love Him with all your heart, soul and mind. And love others as you love yourself.

Use the time you’ve been given Jannell. Go and use it.

——

Would it be okay for you to do it just because it would be cool to do it :)


End of writing: Friday 20th September, 4.31pm.


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